Sounds of Change

You've changed my life into something I know longer recognize

And stained my eyes, now they paint in bolder colour when they cry

I used to see the world in black and white, Now I, I

I'm coloured in the colours of you, Every single hue

    "Colours of You" by Baby Queen

written for the HEARTSTOPPER show 

So, it's been a minute or two (or a few years) since I have posted. Spring 2020 to Fall 2022 felt pretty much like one big blur for most of us. It was hard, it was good, it was scary, it was infuriating, it was chaotic, it was calm, really, it was all the things with all the emotions. For me, it was an evolution. I am a different version of me now...still the same at my core, but with a totally broader outlook on life and love.

Simple things first: I no longer homeschool as we decided our youngest was ready to join the school her brothers attended for middle school. It was an adjustment at first after 9 years (for ME, that is) but she loved it. Our two oldest kids are in college now with one in Georgia and one in Boston. Our third son is a senior in high school, and the youngest starts high school next year. They are all amazing people, and I love them at their current ages. I love watching their growth into adulthood as they navigate successes and failures with school, friends, sports, arts, and daily life. It is an honor to be their mom and I really do cherish all the little conversations and snap chats we share. It's different from when they were little and I basically facilitated their lives, and it has been a good change. They need their space to learn who they are, and they also know that their parents are always there for them. It's going from being the decision maker to being their consultant. It's often hard for parents to not get overly involved in their kids's lives as the get older...I have learned that they are not mini-me's, and that they need to make their own decisions and mistakes. Some days we do better than others, but the goal is the same: OPEN, HONEST COMMUNICATION. It is a lifelong goal with ups and downs, and it's one that I will mess up a lot, but as long as we can TALK about it, we are still moving forwards!

During the pandemic, one of my kids came out as part of the LGBTQ+ community. I was so proud of his courage and so grateful he shared that with me and my husband and the rest of the family. The details are his story to share publicly as he chooses, but it did make me start to take a deeper look into myself. At the time, I was serving as a deaconess at a church that right before Covid  proved itself to be "welcoming" on the outside, but painfully not affirming in reality. Initially, I hoped that I could stay there and effect change as a leader, but once my son shared with me and the church wasn't willing to budge on their archaic view, my protective mom heart took over and I left the church. Over the last two years, I have slowly deconstructed my faith. I have read the bible through in its entirety twice and have explored other spiritual and religious avenues. I was horrified by how Christians stereotypically responded to the pandemic (among other events the last few years), and have continued to share, talk, commune, and learn with people who are also on a different faith journey. I am no longer deaf to the sound of change. I used to be scared of change, but now, I see that we are supposed to change and to evolve. Life events present us over and over with hardships, with pain, with joy, with adventure, with empathy, with despair, and with hope...and change is inevitable if we are really living.

You're building it up

They're breaking it down

Want to give up

Keep holding your ground

You're turning it up

They're deaf to the sound

Oh the sound the sound of change

    "Sound of Change" by Dirty Heads

Leaving church also meant leaving the missions work I had done for years. It took a little bit, but I thankfully found a social justice group that was just forming in our area whose focus was "Action over Silence." We wanted to DO THINGS instead of just rant about issues on social media. Over the last few years, our organization has evolved and now we are primarily working with our student-led safe space for LGBTQIA+ high school youth. It is an amazing and inspiring thing to get to work alongside such strong, passionate, well-rounded, and focused teens. So many of them have endured some real shit in their young lives, and yet they work so hard to keep bettering themselves and their community. I consider it a massive honor to get to do what I do, and even more that I get to do it alongside the people who work with me. We are all changing together...first ourselves, then each other, then those near us, and so on.

I will try to be more consistent in posting here...it is a good way for me to work out some of the chaotic thoughts that keep me awake at night. This post was harder to write because I was trying to do a quick sweep over the last 4 years (HA!). Specificity is my friend so we will go with that.

Oh, and if you haven't read Alice Oseman's Heartstopper series, or watched the tv adaption on Netflix, stop reading and go do so now. You will be a better person for it. Actually, go read ALL of Alice's books. They are all worth it and are so well done. If you need to borrow mine, just let me know.

Choosing love and kindness,

Eve

More than Reflections of Me

Whoa, nelly!  The end of the school year is drawing near!  Soon, I will have a sophomore in college, a junior in high school, a freshman in high school, and a 5th grader.  SERIOUSLY??!!

Although it has gone quickly, this school year has been full of ups and downs.  Some of the ups were higher than I could have imagined, and some of the downs were much deeper than I thought possible.  But, we got through it all as a family, and honestly, are better people for it.

PERSEVERANCE--persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

When we see ourselves in a situation which must be endured and gone through, it is best to make up our minds to it, meet it with firmness, and accommodate everything to it in the best way practicable.  This lessens the evil, while fretting and fuming only serves to increase your own torments.  --Thomas Jefferson

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  Galatians 6:9

Something that I have had to work on as a parent of 3 teenage boys:  TRUST.  Trust that the kids will make good decisions for themselves--actually this is a hope and a prayer more than a trust.  Trust that their friends will be supportive--again, a hope and a prayer.  Trust so many things, but most importantly, trust God's plan for them.  Trust how He loves them more than I possibly could.  Time has shown how I want control, and that I struggle to trust God here.  It seems ludicrous to write that, but it is true.  There is a moment where all parents of "emerging adults" have to let go of the parental control we have provided for years.  Our teens must try out things for themselves so they can figure out who they are apart from family.  I used to think that I could HELP them through this process but giving advice, or worse, strong suggestions, as to what choices they should or should not make. My words and experiences could surely save my teens from having to go through some of the mistakes I did, right? I mean, I have been a keen observer of my children for YEARS.  I can see their full potential. I see what ALL they COULD become. Maybe with just the right prompt at just the right time, and they will see it too!  "If only they would study 15 minutes a day for the ACT, if only they would do that extra volunteer activity, if only they would run for class office, if only they would take that job, if only they would practice their starts more, if ONLY they would ______________."

This year taught me that my job is not to prevent, nor to save, nor to push my kids to be such amazing versions of themselves that they lose sight of what it means to BE a kind and loving person because they are so wrapped up in DOING.  What if my husband or girlfriends followed me around all day with "helpful" suggestions?  "Hey, Eve, if you folded laundry for 30 minutes every day, you could keep your laundry room impeccable.  Hey Eve, if you committed to doing ab workouts just 15 minutes every day, you could get that core where you think you want it.  Hey Eve, have you reached out to your friends today? Hey Eve, how is that compost heap coming along? You know you want to help the environment. Hey Eve, have you done that Marie Kondo to another room yet? I saw how much you enjoyed doing that in Florie's room...when are you starting the next room? You said you wanted to, and I am just reminding you....Hey, Eve...."  It is exhausting. And yet, that is what I see myself inadvertently doing to my kids.

Please know I am not suggesting that kids do not need to experience some pressures, and they certainly do not need to sit around playing Fortnite 7 days a week.  But, they do need to be seen.  They need to know that we SEE them, we want to HEAR them, and that their thoughts MATTER to us. I now know that my job is to LOVE them.  It is to be here, listening, when their decisions catch up to them.  My job is to sit with them when they need to pick up their broken pieces.  To let them know that when s*#t happens, they don't have to be alone, because we all know s*#t WILL happen, and no one needs to be alone.  My job is to encourage them to have PERSEVERANCE.   My job is to become a parent who listens for what their child needs, and be that for them. It is THEIR life to live, not mine.  

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them” 

― Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island

I look forward to the future. I look forward to seeing what my 4 wonderfully different yet equally beautiful kids become.  I look forward to that knowing that they will make their choices ON THEIR OWN, and yet knowing that I am always a phone call, text, or snapchat away.  I recognize that this is an odd topic for my blog, but many of my friends are walking on this path of our teens growing up, and we are all sharing that loss of control.  There are no right or wrong ways, but I see how much support matters.  I welcome any suggestions or things that may have helped YOU parent emerging adults.  I just know I want more than reflections of me.  I want THEM.

Seeking PEACE

Peace is the beauty of life. It is sunshine. It is the smile of a child, the love of a mother, the joy of a father, the togetherness of a family. It is the advancement of man, the victory of a just cause, the triumph of truth. --Menachem Begin

Seeking PEACE in 2018.

We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19 

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 

Colossians 3:13

Happy 2018! I hope this blog finds you all well. I have not posted much lately for many reasons, but wanted to catch up a bit.  After our beloved homeschool tutorial closed unexpectedly before the 2016-2017 year, we tried new options for that school year, but they just did not work for our family.  Life was growing busier with the kids getting older (almost 3 teenagers now!), and we made the hard decision that homeschool was not the best fit for all of the kids anymore.  Ben and Jack are now at a wonderful private school near our home, Florie continues to enjoy homeschool,  and Alex is finishing his senior year via dual enrollment.  It is slowly sinking in that he leaves for college in the next 6 months.  While the college search and application process was a busy time, Alex is very blessed to have multiple good options for college.  He has the gift of being an easy-going person who loves his community and loves Jesus.  I cannot wait to see where he goes in life. We will miss him desperately, but are so excited for this next phase of Alex!

Each year, I try to have a word(s) to focus on.  In the past, "priorities" and "expectations" have been two such words. Although I am nowhere near mastering those words, (YET!) they remain part of our family's everyday vernacular and the word "peace" joins them for 2018.  Peace is a concept that I have to work on....I want it, I crave it, and I find it when I am still and quiet.  Peace is easiest on the days when we have no activities, when it is a crockpot dinner day, and when all the laundry is folded by 10 am!  But, those days are few and far between.  So, my challenge for 2018? How to find peace in the midst of chaos.  I am working on a GOALS for 2018 list, and a PRIORITIES for 2018 list....so that I can reference these before I say "YES" to any extra activities.  Nothing robs PEACE more than when I have overcommitted to too many activities.  The activities I choose are all good when looked at individually, but when they all hit at once, I lose all focus of my peace, priorities, and expectations. That feeling of not being able to get enough air in takes over...and I become a grumpy mom, a distracted wife, and a crummy friend.  Three things I detest!  My prayer is that by listing my priorities ON PAPER, I will better be able to keep those PRIORITIES and choose activities/sign-ups more wisely.  

A dear friend has also encouraged me to use an app to meditate each day....only 10 minutes. I started about a week ago and it really has helped.  Part of the goal of this app is to train your mind to be calm and peaceful in the midst of the chaos.  Sounds ideal.  Will let you know how it goes.  And lastly, our church has started a new app called "Read Scripture" that will let one read through the entire Bible in a year (or two....expectations, remember?!).  How many times have I started to do this and stopped mid-March.  I always find a sense of peace when I read the Word...as long as I do not turn it into a chore...

Goals for the year are many...will get to those in another post.  For now, let's focus on FAMILY and PEACE.....being together creates a calmness for all of us, even though we bicker and fight sometimes.  Being together brings comfort as we encourage one another to find our own individual uniqueness that makes us wonderfully and fearfully made.  

In the last year, as a family,

We took our annual ski trip to Colorado

We found the Star Wars Lego Love

We had family time building new Legos

We visited art museums and looked over the city

Cool and thoughtful art projects were made

We baked cookies to sell to help others

The Tornado blew right threw our yard and over our house

We lost over 30 trees

but all were safe and we found out the our pup was a Jedi

Brothers and friends

Always creative....glasses without lenses and a crown for breakfast attire

We played chess together

and put up replacement trampolines together

12 year old trips were taken

Long hikes were enjoyed

We explored to zoo on rainy days when no one else wanted to go

And hiked on hot and buggy days to spend time outdoors

We loved on Dad for Father's Day

Puppy is noting that Alex is leaving for college in just a few months....she wants to keep him home

We got up at 4:30 am to practice soccer while Mom ran track

We drove to Assateague Island to see the wild ponies

And stopped in at Delaware for a brewery tour

Mom got to show off her alma mater

We loved on Alex for his last birthday at home...

Grandad joined us for the solar eclipse visible from our backyard

We ran for good causes

And played new sports

We dressed up for parties

And enjoyed quiet downtime at home

We "loved" on Alex

And found fish to catch at the beach

We soaked in beautiful sunsets

and created many, many things out of duct tape

We said goodbye to club soccer and an amazing coach

and took slow walks in the woods to just absorb

And we loved on each other in PEACE

 “If you want to bring happiness to the whole world, go home and love your family.”  Mother Teresa

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 

1 Corinthians 13:13

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Hoping for a year of PEACE for you and yours,

Love,

Eve

2016 at a Glance

The most beautiful moments always seemed to accelerate and slip beyond one's grasp just when you want to hold on to them as long as possible.   

E.A. Bucchianeri

"I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.  

"So do I," said Gandalf, " and so do all who live to see such times.  But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. " 

J.R.R. Tolkien

The beginning of a new year always triggers a time of reflection for me.  I think about memories shared, experiences created, bonds strengthened, and hope renewed.  I have to work to NOT think about "wasted days," things I "should" have done, plans not fulfilled, and failed goals.  The concept of TIME rears up again.  I regret how often I say, " I just need more hours in the day."  Yes, I realize that phrase is used to counter the guilt I feel for not accomplishing all that I hope on any given day....but there is some truth to it.  I do not need more hours, but I do need restructured hours.  Where do I allow my time to go? Is it to my family? Is it to friends with whom I have committed a deep, mutual friendship? Is it to connecting with God by reading His word? Or is it to Facebook, Instagram, or Pinterest on easily distractible topics that keep me from fully focusing?  I know the answer.  I don't like it, but I know it.

I set aside the month of January to limit my time on social media.  We use the Circle with Disney app to limit/control our kids' internet access.  It is my favorite app!  I can also set time limits on myself, but I seem to always create an excuse for me....such as the need to follow the inauguration and the Women/s March....on Facebook.  I was nauseated by the vile and hatred from both sides posted on FB, but I kept looking.  I had the urge to keep searching until I found what I was looking for even though I had no idea what I wanted!  I felt lost, out of control, uneasy.  But, I was drawn in.  

Thankfully, God intervened.  I found Florie's notes from her time in the orphanage.  We had them translated while we were in China.  I have read them several times before, but not recently.  She is almost 8 now, and I can see patterns in her personality from back then to now.  It made me happy and it broke my heart.  I just wanted to hold her and protect her from the lost feelings.  I went to bed that night unable to sleep.....and the next morning, I awakened early for a run.  I had to go early, and it was raining.  I set out in the dark, in the rain, maybe feeling a little sorry for myself. THEN, it happened.  The sky cleared, and the sun rise began.  The hues of purple, pink and orange overwhelmed me. The beauty was tangible....I rounded a cul-de-sac, and behind me, was a full rainbow.  My spirits lifted as I could feel God's presence....he is here.  He is LOVE.  He is RESPECT.  He is DIGNITY.  He is HOPE.  And as quickly as the sunrise and rainbow appeared, they were gone....the rain returned, but my outlook had changed.

And the reflection began....here is a glimpse of what is important to me from the past year.  2015 was SO hard with losing my mom.  The grief was overwhelming at times.  2016 was better.  The pain of losing a loved one never leaves, it just fades and then knocks you in the face on occasion.  I know Mom would have loved seeing all of these pictures, and that makes me smile.    

Backyard bonding in January

Florie and William taking over the ski slopes in Colorado

Simple days of homeschool

Family time painting our own cups

Appendectomies are never fun but this is one tough dude

Watching sunsets that take your breath away

Boys' ski trip in spring

Headed to prom

Experiencing Harry Potter at Universal

Easter and our living cross at church

Ben became a Duke TIP scholar

We lost our minds and gave Jack guinea pigs for his 11th birthday

Sanity restored in our pjs in the backyard

But this guy is really cute

Izzy continually teaching us how to love unconditionally, rest appropriately, and spend time together

WHAT?  16???

Our 5th year of homeschool began

Florie's night to cook

We took over the trampoline zone for an afternoon of fun

2nd attempt to Boston qualify...not going well.  Even my falling off hat was a give away, and I dropped out of the race at 18 miles....

Beach time to refocus our priorities....I love October at the beach!

Poor puppy post surgery

A quiet, but deeply grateful Thanksgiving

3rd time to try was a charm! Boston 2018!

CHRISTmas traditions

I enjoyed time with Dad

as did the kids

Remembering how far this little one has come. This spring will be 6 years home.  

Yesterday is gone. 

Tomorrow has not yet come. 

We have only today.  

Let us begin.  

Mother Teresa

My prayer is that we all take a pause and see how we spend our time.  We need warm hearts and hands to reach out to one another in love.  Let us begin.

Love,

Eve