You've changed my life into something I know longer recognize
And stained my eyes, now they paint in bolder colour when they cry
I used to see the world in black and white, Now I, I
I'm coloured in the colours of you, Every single hue
"Colours of You" by Baby Queen
written for the HEARTSTOPPER show
So, it's been a minute or two (or a few years) since I have posted. Spring 2020 to Fall 2022 felt pretty much like one big blur for most of us. It was hard, it was good, it was scary, it was infuriating, it was chaotic, it was calm, really, it was all the things with all the emotions. For me, it was an evolution. I am a different version of me now...still the same at my core, but with a totally broader outlook on life and love.
Simple things first: I no longer homeschool as we decided our youngest was ready to join the school her brothers attended for middle school. It was an adjustment at first after 9 years (for ME, that is) but she loved it. Our two oldest kids are in college now with one in Georgia and one in Boston. Our third son is a senior in high school, and the youngest starts high school next year. They are all amazing people, and I love them at their current ages. I love watching their growth into adulthood as they navigate successes and failures with school, friends, sports, arts, and daily life. It is an honor to be their mom and I really do cherish all the little conversations and snap chats we share. It's different from when they were little and I basically facilitated their lives, and it has been a good change. They need their space to learn who they are, and they also know that their parents are always there for them. It's going from being the decision maker to being their consultant. It's often hard for parents to not get overly involved in their kids's lives as the get older...I have learned that they are not mini-me's, and that they need to make their own decisions and mistakes. Some days we do better than others, but the goal is the same: OPEN, HONEST COMMUNICATION. It is a lifelong goal with ups and downs, and it's one that I will mess up a lot, but as long as we can TALK about it, we are still moving forwards!
During the pandemic, one of my kids came out as part of the LGBTQ+ community. I was so proud of his courage and so grateful he shared that with me and my husband and the rest of the family. The details are his story to share publicly as he chooses, but it did make me start to take a deeper look into myself. At the time, I was serving as a deaconess at a church that right before Covid proved itself to be "welcoming" on the outside, but painfully not affirming in reality. Initially, I hoped that I could stay there and effect change as a leader, but once my son shared with me and the church wasn't willing to budge on their archaic view, my protective mom heart took over and I left the church. Over the last two years, I have slowly deconstructed my faith. I have read the bible through in its entirety twice and have explored other spiritual and religious avenues. I was horrified by how Christians stereotypically responded to the pandemic (among other events the last few years), and have continued to share, talk, commune, and learn with people who are also on a different faith journey. I am no longer deaf to the sound of change. I used to be scared of change, but now, I see that we are supposed to change and to evolve. Life events present us over and over with hardships, with pain, with joy, with adventure, with empathy, with despair, and with hope...and change is inevitable if we are really living.
You're building it up
They're breaking it down
Want to give up
Keep holding your ground
You're turning it up
They're deaf to the sound
Oh the sound the sound of change
"Sound of Change" by Dirty Heads
Leaving church also meant leaving the missions work I had done for years. It took a little bit, but I thankfully found a social justice group that was just forming in our area whose focus was "Action over Silence." We wanted to DO THINGS instead of just rant about issues on social media. Over the last few years, our organization has evolved and now we are primarily working with our student-led safe space for LGBTQIA+ high school youth. It is an amazing and inspiring thing to get to work alongside such strong, passionate, well-rounded, and focused teens. So many of them have endured some real shit in their young lives, and yet they work so hard to keep bettering themselves and their community. I consider it a massive honor to get to do what I do, and even more that I get to do it alongside the people who work with me. We are all changing together...first ourselves, then each other, then those near us, and so on.
I will try to be more consistent in posting here...it is a good way for me to work out some of the chaotic thoughts that keep me awake at night. This post was harder to write because I was trying to do a quick sweep over the last 4 years (HA!). Specificity is my friend so we will go with that.
Oh, and if you haven't read Alice Oseman's Heartstopper series, or watched the tv adaption on Netflix, stop reading and go do so now. You will be a better person for it. Actually, go read ALL of Alice's books. They are all worth it and are so well done. If you need to borrow mine, just let me know.
Choosing love and kindness,
Eve
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