Sunrises and Life

 I love waking up early.  Normally, I set an alarm to get up to run, but my early bird tendencies have me up by 5 or 5:30 am most days anyway.  Waking up early gives me time to do things slowly.

In the early morning, I CANNOT do housework, errands, or homework or I will wake up the entire house. I CAN walk the dog who had surgery a few weeks ago and is still in a cone of shame, moving slowly.  I can hear the leaves rustling, I can hear the owl hooting, I can see the deer moving ever so delicately in my neighbor's yard, waiting to see if our dog will chase them.  I can listen to the odd barking in the distance and wonder if that is another dog, or part of the coyote pack we have been hearing at night.  I can hear these little things and I am thankful for that.

I CAN see dawn breaking.  Sunrise is my favorite part of every day.  With the sun rise, I see HOPE. The colors that God paints during a sunrise are breathtaking.  I know that sounds cheesy, but they are.  The pinks, oranges, purples.....they are a gift from Him.  If you are up early and outside, you notice that right before sunrise, the temperature drops ever so slightly, and often the wind picks up briefly.  The sky often has a lot of cirrus clouds, and many times, I have seen angel shapes in the sky at sunrise.  The wind clears them away from the night, where they have watched over us.  HOPE.

Once my kids are up, the busy starts.  We all know it well:  breakfast, chores, school work, discussions over school work, soccer, swimming, Ninja Warrior, trampoline, reading aloud, help with Pre-calculus, essay review, cooking dinner, laundry, and so on.  Busy-ness.  I don't look out the window as much.  My tendency is to become my self made to-do list, and to judge myself based on how much of it was completed that day.  I often fall into bed at night, berating myself for not having "done more."  Bleh.

THEN, I wake up.  Early.  Slowly.  My cup is refilled.  God has given me a new day.  HOPE.  JOY.

I have started taking a 20 minute "nap" in the early afternoon.  It is really a PAUSE.  Sometimes I sleep, but usually I just close my eyes and regroup.  I take that to-do list out of my head, and remind myself WHAT IS IMPORTANT IN LIFE:  my kids knowing that they are well loved and that they are learning to treat others with kindness and grace as Jesus would; my husband....that I can be truly present with him and love him well.  There will ALWAYS be a to-do list.  Always.  This pause in the middle of the day helps keep my priorities straight.  I am thankful that I am in a place in life where I can take a PAUSE.

It has been almost 15 months since Mom passed away.  It has been really hard.  The summer months were painful with all of the kids' birthdays as she used to send such fun stuff for them.  I went to counseling for a few months to work on me.  It really helped but, boy, was it hard work!

 Holidays are tough.  I hate going to the grocery store and seeing grandmothers and mommas shopping together, planning their Thanksgiving feast.  It's funny, because Mom and I never did that, but I WANTED that, and it makes me sad we did not do that.  Certain music hits me like a rock.  Mom loved playing Vivaldi in High Strung, and at Christmas, she played Christmas CDs.  There are some songs that just tear me up.....and others bring back good memories of us laughing at her store, me watching her wrap presents beautifully (like Mrs. Lawana could), and our knowledge that gift wrapping was NOT one of my gifts!

What I am learning is that life comes at us all day, every day. I must choose to either try and catch all of those curveballs, or to let some of them pass by and know it is okay.  Our culture wants us to catch them all.  We post our BEST things on Facebook, Instagram...we bring our Pinterest treats to schools to show what good mommas we are.  For me, that is not LIFE.  Life is waking up early, watching the sunrise, and feeling God's hands on my day.  LIFE for me is being authentic (easier typed than done!), being present, loving my family well, and treating others with kindness. That LIFE takes effort. It requires a lot of work on my end.  It makes me put away my to-do list.  If I am so busy trying to keep with our culture and my to-do list, how in the world can I slow down to be authentic?  It's a choice.  One that comes every single day.  The sunrise brings it.  HOPE.

My prayer is that you and yours have an "in the moment" Thanksgiving.  If the turkey is dry, you forgot to make gravy, or some other disaster happens, let it go.  Look around the table. What makes Thanksgiving is not the cornucopia of foods, but the beloved people who are with you.  With all of the tragedies and chaos our country has seen recently, it becomes so clear that life is precious.  We have a choice to make every day of how we will be, and every day I know I will screw it up.  But, I also know, that HOPE COMES IN THE MORNING.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Psalm 30:5  For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of JOY comes in the morning.

Isaiah 40:31  Those who Hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint.

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.  Martin Luther King, Jr.

Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.  Desmond Tutu

Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.  Madeline L'Engle

My Sunrise Poem

Theo Williams

The chirp of birds in the early morning

Bless my smiles with their innocent calling

I head outside with my blanket wrapped around

And lay there listening to this memorable sound.

Inspiring orange light of dawn, infatuating

With all colours the sun rise is portraying

Its cheerful glow fills my heart with serenity

And takes me to a tranquil fantasy.

Amaranth red shimmers of vitality

Creating the most curing reality

Shines transparently through my soul

And takes me to a place so beautiful.

Hues emphasise pure yellow rays of hope

That warms my aura lost in the clouds reflective pink coat

This morning ambience has risen bright

Like heaven shone down with its piercing light. 

There will be no melancholy, only a feeling so gay

Because my sun, you've just started my day. 

Love,

Eve

Grief

“When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” 
― John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

“It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ” 
― Colette

SO, it has almost been 8 months.  Some days it seems like she has always been gone, some days it seems like yesterday, and some days I still pick up the phone to call her.  Today is one of those days where it just seems like yesterday.  I was updating my iPhotos and pictures from August started to pop up.  Pictures of her in the hospital, or with me at her side in her home on hospice. She had a beautiful death and I know she made a grand entrance into Heaven.  I know she is better off now.

This week was just hard.  There were many things happening that I wanted to share with her. I took for granted how often I would call her to "unload" some of the chaos in life.  This week we lost another dear family member on Mom's side.  I ache for his children and the grief that has inevitably begun.  Death has a way of sneaking up on you, and shaking all the chaos you allow to pile up on you OFF, so that you can see.  You can see what really matters. You can see family.  You can see true friends.  Most importantly, you can see God.  He has a hand in everything.  He was with Mom. I can see how perfectly her life and death was planned by him.  I don't have to like it, but I can see it.  I can also see the hope we have. The hope through Jesus. I do see that, really, I do.  But, today, I just want to curl up and be sad.  I want to look at pictures from growing up, and look at pictures at Mom holding my babies, and think about her perfectly set tables and her beautiful smile.  Because that is what I miss.

I know we'll meet again.  I know God has great plans.  But, I also know it is okay to be sad.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18  So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Love, 

Eve