Grief

“When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” 
― John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

“It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ” 
― Colette

SO, it has almost been 8 months.  Some days it seems like she has always been gone, some days it seems like yesterday, and some days I still pick up the phone to call her.  Today is one of those days where it just seems like yesterday.  I was updating my iPhotos and pictures from August started to pop up.  Pictures of her in the hospital, or with me at her side in her home on hospice. She had a beautiful death and I know she made a grand entrance into Heaven.  I know she is better off now.

This week was just hard.  There were many things happening that I wanted to share with her. I took for granted how often I would call her to "unload" some of the chaos in life.  This week we lost another dear family member on Mom's side.  I ache for his children and the grief that has inevitably begun.  Death has a way of sneaking up on you, and shaking all the chaos you allow to pile up on you OFF, so that you can see.  You can see what really matters. You can see family.  You can see true friends.  Most importantly, you can see God.  He has a hand in everything.  He was with Mom. I can see how perfectly her life and death was planned by him.  I don't have to like it, but I can see it.  I can also see the hope we have. The hope through Jesus. I do see that, really, I do.  But, today, I just want to curl up and be sad.  I want to look at pictures from growing up, and look at pictures at Mom holding my babies, and think about her perfectly set tables and her beautiful smile.  Because that is what I miss.

I know we'll meet again.  I know God has great plans.  But, I also know it is okay to be sad.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18  So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Love, 

Eve